In response to a friend’s critique: I believe that my thinking comes from misguided spirituality. It is more like a belief in magic. We are moving into shaky ground discussing this. My career is based on my false premise.
I believe that there is an incantation for every ill.
That saying the right thing, being the right thing will create the desired thing. It is the thing that makes a woman fall for someone she can fix. It is deep in our evolution as women. I cannot speak for men, as they seem to not understand this. Yet, here I am explaining.
Evidence of my belief.
So, in reality, I want to be happy with what I have and what I am right now. Because that will make me happy period. But what I am doing is trying to figure out what the flaw in me is so I can earn the missing thing. Interesting how you can know your belief is wrong, yet still practice it with enthusiasm.
I am presently sitting at my sweet desk, with a pullout keyboard tray that is at just the right height. My cute little keyboard is typing this on my i-pad. I have brand new floors installed exactly to my preference by very competent and inexpensive workers. I have music playing that I have been missing on my i-pod that holds more music than I can ever hope to own. I have a sweet cat sitting on a green seated wrought iron stool that I love. A dog on the floor and a bird behind me. They all are perfectly behaved and attentive. I am eating cajun fried rice… my own invention. Physically, my foot hurts, but overall, I am healthy and able to care for myself. I was remembering the wheel chair of spring and smiled knowing that was such a short lived thing. But my focus is on the thing that is missing. Understand, I am not a proponent of hiding feelings, but carrying the same damn feeling for months and years and not changing anything to improve that feeling is not a good thing. Am I just grieving over the lost one. Was he the one? I act as if he was. But more likely, he is the last one, so he is the one I have chosen to be miserable over. (Natalie Merchant is now singing 7 years).
I believe I am more mourning over the lack of relationship. One thing in my life that I lost, or never had. That my friend is a whole nother blog. So, to be grateful for others who are happy in their relationship (the comment my friend took offense to) is my way of creating magic. If I am a good person, I will get what I want. Jesus, are you listening? Santa? Ghandi?
Magic not spirituality. Now to pursue spirituality without the magic. Being just because I am.