I noticed awhile back that there is something dark inside of me. I say dark only because it does not reflect anything… It is dull. Envy, the cousin of want perhaps?
For me, there are certain triggers for this envy. Love for one. I very much want to find that one person who completes me (cue romantic music). This is a very general desire so when someone seems to have it, it looks very much like what I want. This is wanting mind…I want that sweater, I want my house clean, or I want love. It all feels the same. It is all desire for what is not. It is creating a story out of thin air. But then envy joins in. Joe and Kimberly found each other and are now living happily ever after. And then envy shrouds me in bad feelings toward this happy couple. I cannot be happy for them because their happiness points out my lack. I don’t have anyone who loves me…I am unloveable.
I am ready to work on envy and help it torn into a more beneficial feeling, like gratitude or contentment. Kimberly is happy, thus I must be unhappy because I do not have what she has.
Is this true? (I use this a lot for self therapy–>Byron Katie’s “The Work”).
No, it is not true. I am lovable. I can treat myself lovingly. I can recite a long list of people who love me. In reality I am just not romantically involved. In many ways, I enjoy being on my own. If I become involved with someone, then I will be giving some things up. I can be happy for Kimberly because she is happy and so am I. We just have different things.
This is a reflection I will practice every time I meet envy, because I am tired of giving up my own happiness by comparing it to someone else’s.
Now, about that sweater…