I was in pain, but I was doing everything my life required. I just wanted someone to say…wow, you do so much and suffer from such pain. I wanted to be seen for the extraordinary soul I was. I actually wanted someone to show me my strength.
I sought a reason for the pain and fatigue. I was finally diagnosed with a fancy new term…Fibromyalgia. Anti-depressants were the cure. Well, that is what they said. I was excited for this new term. What I was doing and who I was would be recognized, finally. But the medications did not work and I felt others frustration with my apparent malingering. I was just weak and lazy.
The truth is, people could not see my pain. It is invisible as is/was my effort. I look normal as long as I pretend and do more than is good for me. I was not understood.
The trouble is, I also did not pay attention to myself. I also expected myself to produce as if I was not in pain or fatigued to the point of immobility. I was so mean to myself…still am sometimes. No one saw my heroism, not even me. I was lazy, broken, crazy, hopeless. Who do I talk to like that? Me.
It took me so long to learn to see how strong I am. I am still here after all. I raised my family, got through school and even more important, I learned to take care of myself. To speak with honor to my soul. I am so strong.
Who sees your pain? Likely no one. Do you? Who sees the strength of your soul? Not even you? Who gives you recognition? No one? What should we do about that?